Take a lesson, people! X Files: Fight the Future. Sucked. Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Sucked. Star Trek V. Really, really sucked. All the odd ones do. The even ones are pretty good, though, but still. . . . Lost in Space. Sucked. My Favorite Martian. Sucked. The Avengers. Sucked. The Saint. Sucked. Mission: Impossible. Sucked. So did the second one. Charlie's Angels. Sucked. But then, so did the series. Get Carter. Sucked. Oh, wait. That wasn't based on a TV series. But it really, really, really sucked, and I was on a roll.

Are we seeing a pattern here? Go for the sixth season. It's the seventh season you have to be wary of. Deep Space 9 did it with grace and aplomb, but Next Gen missed more often than it hit that last season. I'd cite more examples, but most sci-fi shows don't get anywhere near a seventh season. Or most shows, period. M*A*S*H did just fine in its seventh season, but choked big time in the 11th. And where the hell did that finale come from?

Before you go, Michael, here are some words to remember you by: Ed Marinaro, David Caruso, Rob Morrow, David Duchovny, and even George Clooney. Actors and their egos!

Actually, I have no idea what Shanks' stated Reason for Departure is, but if he wants to join the club of men above, it's because his part has gotten too small for him, and it's time for him to show Hollywood what he can really do. Just like the guys above. Hmmm, let's see . . . can anyone name ANYTHING Ed has done since Joe Coffey died an ignominious death on Hill Street Blues? Does anyone even know where David Caruso can be found these days? What is it about Steven Bochco shows that inspire second-rate actors to aspire to a more that never comes?

Quiz show question: What sort of exposure has Rob Morrow received lately, northern or otherwise? Can anyone name David Duchovny's last motion picture appearance that broke even at the box office? And while George has done moderately well at the video rental stores, what's he done for us lately?

So, so long, Michael. We hardly knew ye, but it was nice seeing you while we still could.

Crestone, Colorado, must be second only to Sedona, Arizona, as a location for New Age vortices. A few years back the residents of this small town in the San Luis Valley (home to the world's largest per-capita UFO sightings and possibly cattle mutilations) were sharply divided over a woman's plan to build a giant pyramid of pink granite to welcome the Arcturians from outer space (you can read all the details in a back issue of that fab magazine, Colorado Central).

What better place for someone to be planning to deliver a lecture on the existence of the Stargate? General Hammond would have to send someone to monitor the situation (I'm thinking it ought to be Maj. Carter, but that could just be me), and she could end up sensing a Goa'uld also in attendance, one who's been searching for millenia for the Stargate and is hoping the lecturer might know its whereabouts. This could result in a dramatic car chase across the majestic Sangre de Cristos, possibly an exchange of automatic weapons fire, and a fiery cataclysmic crash (orange fireballs!). Probably there'd be some way to work in a cameo appearance by cowboy and poet Peggy Godfrey of nearby Moffat. Or by Bob, whose last name is Moffatt.

And yes, I recognize the header says "plotlines," as in the plural, and that was pretty much just one, but true genius just shouldn't be rushed.

In May, I conducted one of the two actions (the other was to re-read the Star Trek Encyclopedia mentioned on the opening page) that most likely precipitated this site: I composed and sent a five-page letter, addressed to Robert C. Cooper (because I needed to send it to someone, and that's the same last name as my officiating partner's) and aimed at the technical staff. In July, I received my artifact: an AUTHENTIC POSTCARD with a bunch of actors pictured on the front of it. It came with genuine mass-produced autographs on the back, and the postmark was from that bastion of celebrityhood, Bensenville, Illinois. It was hand-addressed to "Livermore," which I thought was a nice personal touch.

Now, about these autographs: The New One True Space Babe wished me "peace," which is how I have signed my letters for many, many years. Obviously we are bonding on a higher plane. Don S. Davis wished me "best of luck," although I'm not certain what for, and Michael Shanks (I think; it's fairly illegible) offered me "best wishes." Richard Dean Anderson and Christopher Judge didn't wish me a damn thing.

Nor did I get a reply to any of my deep, insightful questions, all of which I thought were well worth answering.

What exactly do the nine million producers of Stargate do?

How come the word "Stargate" has one regular 'a' and one with some Danish sort of symbol that's supposed to be an Egyptian sun over it?

In "Demons," how come the villagers' language, pre-Chaucerian English, evolved into the exact English spoken by TV audiences today, while no other facet of their society developed or permutated in any way over the centuries?

Did the villagers of Edora spend their entire 100 days inside the dank confines of the innards of Cheyenne Mountain? Did they learn about luxuries like microwave ovens and then take back to their planet a yearning for new technology?

How come aliens keep naming things (babies, spaceships, that kind of stuff) after Jack O'Neill?

Isn't the title "first prime" redundant? At least, don't those two words say the same thing?

Why do Apophis' facial prosthetics look just like those belonging to Seven of Nine of Voyager, only on the right side?

In "Rules of Engagement," two of the characters are named Capt. Rogers and Capt. Nelson. Is this a tribute to those early TV astronauts on I Dream of Jeannie?

Has it ever struck you that the SGC base is kind of like CONTROL headquarters in Get Smart? Have you noticed that Major Carter drives a very Smart car? Do you suppose there's a Cone of Silence somewhere in General Hammond's office?

How come sometimes a blending between host and symbiot seems instantaneous, but in other cases (such as when Jack O'Neill is involved) it takes longer?

Is there any chance Major Carter will get a command of her own? This was a major (har!) stumbling block in my decision to switch allegiance in space babes.

How come Daniel Jackson can walk through walls, but doesn't fall through floors and can sit on counters when he is out of phase in "The Crystal Skull"?

When Teal'c fires a spear gun from the gate room into a rock face on Edora, how come the gun isn't ripped out of his hands as soon as the spear reaches the end of its tether, which presumably is less than a hundred feet in length?

When they're "Beneath the Surface" and the administrator tells Brenna she's become a liability, he shoots from two paces away, misses vital organs and hits her in the arm. Why doesn't he shoot again, and how come he managed to miss so badly in the first place?

Is Richard Dean Anderson being given company time to work on his nasty golf slice, shown in "Window of Opportunity"?

How come relatives of those who die off-world never show up demanding to be given their loved one's body? This happens all the time around here, after someone has done something really stupid like try to swim across a cold reservoir right below the outlet of the upriver dam, or after clipping their plane on a power line and dive bombing into 150 feet of water at nearly 8,000 feet elevation. [Morrow Point Reservoir never was drained, despite demands from a New York senator, and that body became fish chum, but the plane and its deceased occupants were pulled from Blue Mesa at no small risk to the rescue divers.]

Do the people up top in Cheyenne Mountain, at NORAD, who presumably check in all Stargate personnel, check them out as well? How are people who enter Cheyenne Mountain but then never seem to leave (because they departed via the gate) explained? How 'bout the ones who depart the mountain topside without ever arriving?

If two Goa'ulded hosts produce a child that is Harsesis, what happens if two Tok'ra create a child?

I just watched "Point of No Return," and not a single character remarks on Sam's talent as a lockpick. This is a skill we expect all Air Force majors to have? Is that the rank at which they learn this skill? Jack O'Neill appears quite capable of lock picking too, having done so in both "Forever in a Day" and "Desperate Measures."

Who dresses Jack O'Neill when he's not in uniform? Not that I'm a paragon of sartorial splendor, but at least my clothes fit, they're not in awful colors like powder blue and orange, and if they involve polyester, it's a blend with cotton in a t-shirt or sweatshirt.

Since General Hammond is from Texas, does he drive the state vehicle, a Chevy Suburban?

So if you're the visual effects supervisor, you get a planet with at least three moons? (In "Serpent's Venom" the gang makes plans to rendezvous on the third moon of Tichenor.) How many moons do you get if you're the director of photography who does such cool work?

When is Tony Todd going to guest star on Stargate? Because your show isn't sci-fi until Tony's been on it.

What exactly is Sam Carter's eye color? All the fanfic says blue, and they sure look blue when she first sees the stargate opened, but in lots of other episodes, those eyes look awfully green.

What sort of pheromones is the New One True Space Babe exuding? Hathor commanded men by breathing a pink smoke, but Sam Carter doesn't even have to do that, and so far she's had at least five men across the galaxy -- including, I might add, now that I've seen the much-talked-about "Divide and Conquer" episode, Jack O'Neill -- ready to die for her in a noble sacrifice. Talk about power over men!

In May I wondered if the people of Vancouver were saddened by their drubbing at the hands of the mighty Avs. Now, don't we think it's TOTALLY COOL that the Stanley Cup is back in Colorado? And that Ray Borque is no longer the Susan Lucci of the NHL? Roy-hoo!!!

My Friend Mark's Questions, One of Which is Almost a Plotline  

My attempts at conversion are slowly gaining ground. One of the new faithful is my friend Mark, a former artillery officer with the U.S. Marines, now a molder of young minds. This is what he wants to know:

Doesn't it seem rather, well, inefficient to keep sending in a squad of soldiers everytime there's an "unscheduled off-world transit" through the Cheyenne Mountain gate? I know it's dramatic, but wouldn't the real military mount a quad .50 in front of the gate and keep the guard for when/if the bad aliens got past the first post? Isn't there a lot of opportunity here for some young half-trained airman (who, I might add, substantially outranks a Seaman 7th Class) to get all wound up and accidentally waste an Asgard, which might result in an interstellar war and complex sentences?

I really liked "Singularity," the episode where they brought back the girl with the bomb in her belly. IMHO, it's up to the standards set by the best episodes of ST:TNG. It didn't have one of those trite endings I've seen in many of the previous episodes. I was actually waiting in anticipation (for once) to see if she and Sam would end up as a collection of charged particles in the abandoned nuclear storage/test site. By the way, where is this abandoned nuclear site that's only 20 minutes from Cheyenne Mountain? The zoo? Focus on the Family HQ? Pro Rodeo Hall of Fame?